my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
