i would punch a child for taco bell
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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