Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
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I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
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How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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