I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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