my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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