My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
