I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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