I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
