I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
