i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
