she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
