In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
