so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
