tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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