The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
