Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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