There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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