Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants