ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical