The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.