You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.