as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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