I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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