why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
