my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
