Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
