My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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