I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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