sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
