he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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