I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there was a trapeze. enough said
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
