It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
