Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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