just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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