Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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