did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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