apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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