Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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