Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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