I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
