I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
