totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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