I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
