I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle