Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
