What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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