Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
