tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But break dance skills will only take you so far
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
