happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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