"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
