I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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