At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
