He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
