Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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