you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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