i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
