Whats the glycemic index on semen?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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