i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
