The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
