I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
